Avoid "Experiential Avoidance"
Have you ever been in a situation where you can't breathe? It's a frightening moment to want to take in air but not be able to.
It happens to me once in a while. I'll be going through my day, minding my own business, and for no apparent reason (except sometimes an unexpected cough), my throat closes up and I can't breathe (a similar feeling to having the wind knocked out of me). I have to somehow forcibly relax my muscles and slowly take in air as I can, usually with loud wheezing.
The first few times it happened were scary, and the concern of having another episode was always on my mind to the point where I would avoid putting myself in situations where I thought it could happen again.
The term for this is experiential avoidance, which "attempts to avoid thoughts, feelings, memories, physical sensations, and other internal experiences—even when doing so creates harm in the long run."
Another example is panic disorder, which is a combination of panic attacks plus an unwillingness to have panic attacks. In other words, although a panic attack may last one minute, a person with panic disorder will spend the other 23 hours and 59 minutes of the day trying to avoid having panic attacks. This can lead phobias, depression, and other medical conditions that are actually more harmful than the panic attacks themselves.
In the end, experiential avoidance (the persistent unwillingness to experience uncomfortable thoughts and feelings) can lead to a wide range of problems.
So why am I writing about a psychological condition in a devotional email? For two reasons:
First, because pain will find you wherever you are. We cannot live a pain-free life, and trying to avoid inner world pain by controlling outer world circumstances (experiential avoidance) is a recipe for more pain.
Second, because spiritual formation involves much more than the spiritual realm of our life. We are holistic beings, and God's shalom touches every area of our lives, including the areas of pain.
Is there a better, more formative, way we can address pain in our lives, especially the inner pain we all want to flee? Yes, but we have to ensure we approach pain with a healthy and biblical image of God.
CS Lewis wrote, "Pain is God's megaphone to the world." This is true, but we must understand our God is good and loving all the time. He never says, "I need you to listen so I'm going to cause you pain to get your attention." Rather, he says the opposite:
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
~ Isaiah 41:10
Pain shows us something is amiss (physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally), and our good, loving, and present God uses that knowledge to form us into more loving and Christ-like people... if we let him.
PAUSE and REFLECT: How do you relate to the presence of pain in your life, especially inner world pain? Do you avoid it at all costs, even controlling your outer world circumstances to the point where you rob yourself of flourishing?
Perhaps we constantly soothe ourselves with TV and social media to escape what's going on inside. Perhaps we avoid good things for fear of our inner discomfort rising up. Perhaps we practice experiential avoidance some other way.
Instead of avoiding, what would it be like if you instead listened to your pain? If you suffer from anger, what is your anger trying to tell you? If you suffer from anxiety, what is your anxiety trying to tell you? If you suffer from a broken heart, what is your broken heart trying to tell you?
The only way to flourish in the presence of pain is to awaken to the tender presence of God with us there. We do that by listening to our pain, which reveals our deepest needs, and that's where we find God.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
~ Psalm 34:18"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... you are with me."
~ Psalm 23:4
Thus the most important question may be, "God, where are you? Reveal yourself to me." If God is present to you in the pain, then to flee the pain (experiential avoidance) is to flee the presence of God.
If you are experiencing inner world pain right now, instead of fleeing, I offer you a beautiful prayer of surrender from Henri Nouwen. Take a moment to draw your awareness to the presence of Christ in you at this very moment, and knowing your God is good, loving, and present, offer these words to him:
Lord,
I so much want to be in control.
I want to be the master of my own destiny.
Still I know that you are saying:
‘Let me take you by the hand and lead you.
Accept my love
and trust that where I will bring you,
the deepest desires of your heart will be fulfilled.’
Lord, open my hands to receive your gift of love.
Amen.~ Henri Nouwen, In the Name of Jesus
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Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash