Have you skipped over your village?
How many acquaintances do you have? These would be people you know in some capacity, follow along with their lives somewhat, and with whom you could have a friendly conversation.
How about very close friends? How many people do you have in your life with whom you deeply share with one another, spend time with one another, cheer each other on, and cry with one another? These are the people who would, as some say about their good friends, "help you bury the body."
I recently listened to a podcast interview where guest Jennie Allen (author of a book on relationships) said that human relationships can be viewed as an inverted triangle. The top section, and largest section, is our acquaintances. Humans have the built-in capacity for about 150 acquaintances.
The bottom, smallest section of that inverted triangle is our close friends. According to the author, 3-5 close friends is a healthy number of deep relationships.
However, there is an integral middle section to that relationship structure. The author called this our village. These are friends who know you better than acquaintances, but maybe not as well as your closest friends. They are the people you could turn to for help, invite to a BBQ, or to whom you would bring a casserole if they were going through a hard time. Generally, we have about 50 of these such friends in our life.
The author gave the example of taking her son to a Rwandan village for an extended time. Many women in the village insisted her son call them "Auntie," and helped looked after him. They were not the author's closest friends, but they were a big part of her and her son's life while they were there.
I share this with you because of what the author said next. The rise of Facebook and other social media means that many of us are overloaded with acquaintances. We follow along and try to stay in touch with hundreds or thousands of people, and are affected by the events of their lives.
Because we are overloaded and relationally drained, we often skip from the top of that inverted triangle to the bottom, smallest section. In other words, we have many, many shallow friendships with acquaintances, and perhaps 3-5 close friends. That said, it's not uncommon to be so relationally drained that we cannot muster the energy for even a few good friends.
The result is crisis. We skip from shallow acquaintances to (maybe) close, personal friends, and we miss the integral middle section of that relationship structure. We forget our village.
This is where the church steps in.
If you are part of a community of Christ-followers, you actually have that middle section of people around you -- your village. At least, that's the way the church is supposed to function. Here are just a few "one another" verses from the New Testament:
"Love one another." (Rom 12:10)
"Live in harmony with one another." (Rom 12:16)
"Welcome one another." (Rom 15:7)
"Comfort one another." (2 Cor 13:11)
"Through love serve one another." (Gal 5:13)
"Bear one another's burdens." (Gal 6:2)
"Be kind to one another." (Eph 4:32)
"Forgive one another." (Eph 4:32)
"Submit to one another." (Eph 5:21)
"Teach and admonish one another." (Col 3:16)
"Encourage one another." (1 Thess 4:18)
"Do good to one another." (1 Thess 5:15)
"Inspire one another to love and good works." (Heb 10:24)
"Confess your sins to one another." (Jas 5:16)
"Pray for one another." (Jas 5:16)
"Show hospitality to one another." (1 Pet 4:9)
This is how a village should function in our lives, and it's a crucial part of our relational wellbeing.
PAUSE and REFLECT: Do a relational check-up, because according to this relationship author, we need all three levels of relationship to be healthy.
So let's go back to our opening question: how many acquaintances do you have? If you're like most people today, the answer is a lot. Probably more than you can handle without getting overburdened.
How about close friends? Do you have one, two, or a few people for whom you wouldn't clean your house if they were coming over, or who could drop by unannounced?
And what about that village of friends who are a part of your life in a meaningful way. Do you have that?
These are all important levels of relationship, but we don't always have them in our life. So what can we do to have a more healthy balance of relationships? Here are thee suggestions:
ACQUAINTANCES: Trim your social media following. For example, on Facebook reduce the number of people you follow to those you actually want to interact with (not just people you're curious about). Alternatively, do a social media fast to help regain balance. Lent is coming up. Perhaps you could go dark on social media for those seven weeks.
VILLAGE: Show up to church and have some conversations. Ask people how they are doing and listen. Now that the pandemic is lifting, it's a great time to re-establish some of your village friendships.
CLOSE FRIENDS: Practice the spiritual discipline of vulnerability. One of the greatest ways to love others is to offer yourself. Reflect on the relationships you have and ask God where he would invite you to take the first step in deepening that relationship. This week, take a step of vulnerability and offer yourself or share about your life to this person in a way that is appropriate, and do so without expecting anything in return.
The wellbeing God offers us (called shalom) extends to every area of our life, including our relationships. God is a relational God, but even Jesus had his levels of relationship -- his three closest friends, his village of friends / disciples, and a larger group of acquaintances.
As we endeavour to follow Jesus, what is one small thing you can do this week to build his shalom-wellness in your relational life?
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Photo by Mathew Schwartz on Unsplash