How to Kill Your Relationship with God and Others

How much does a person's character influence your relationship with them?

For most of us, a lot. A person's character strongly influences our trust in them, and we have a hard time opening up to or enjoying relationship with people we don't trust. Similarly, our character (or lack thereof) strengthens or weakens another person's relationship with us.

There are several instances in the four gospels where Jesus speaks about the importance of character. The Beatitudes (Matthew 5:3-10) are a fantastic example of the kind of character God wants to develop in his followers. Another great example comes from Luke 18:9-14, where Jesus teaches about one character trait that kills relationships. His teaching is in the form of a parable (short, fictional stories Jesus used to communicate deeper truths), and goes as follows: 
 

Then Jesus told this story to some who had great confidence in their own righteousness and scorned everyone else: 

“Two men went to the Temple to pray. One was a Pharisee, and the other was a despised tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: ‘I thank you, God, that I am not like other people—cheaters, sinners, adulterers. I’m certainly not like that tax collector! I fast twice a week, and I give you a tenth of my income.’

“But the tax collector stood at a distance and dared not even lift his eyes to heaven as he prayed. Instead, he beat his chest in sorrow, saying, ‘O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner.’ I tell you, this sinner, not the Pharisee, returned home justified before God. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Some of the most important information is given even before the story is told. Luke writes Jesus told this story “to some who had great confidence in their own righteousness and scorned everyone else." Other translations say, "treated others with contempt.”

In other words, self-righteousness and contempt go hand in hand. If I am self-righteous, I will treat others with contempt.

The first character in the parable is a Pharisee, who along with a tax collector, goes up to the temple to pray. Pharisees in this culture were paragons of virtue, doing more in the way of religious activity and asceticism than the Law demanded. For example, the Law required one fast a year. The Pharisee in this parable fasted twice a week. The average person would have looked at the Pharisee and said, “I could never hope to attain his level of commitment and righteousness.”

But Jesus, as usual, turns the culture upside down and reveals the truth is actually just the opposite.

The Pharisee stood by himself to pray, and his prayer to God is all about himself - there are five “I”s in his prayer. Totally egocentric, the Pharisee boasted in his self-righteousness, thinking righteousness was about performing outward religious actions. He had an unrealistic view of worth and self-worth, and thus was falsely confident in his own righteousness.

His contempt for others oozes through his words. He feels good about himself only because he is comparing the level of his religious activities to another - in this case a tax collector.

This is what comparison to others brings: self-righteousness and contempt. 

As we'll see, the Pharisee’s self-righteousness has killed his relationship with God and because it led to contempt of others, it has also killed his relationship with his neighbour.

In contrast to the Pharisee, the tax collector stands far off, and will not even lift his eyes to heaven. Instead he beats his breast (a sign of sorrow and contrition) and throws himself upon God’s mercy.

The tax collector knows he has nothing to offer to God, and does not even try. No self-righteousness, no comparison, no trying to impress God, just, “I am a great sinner. Please have mercy on me.” This is both a recognition and confession of sin (the things we think and do that rob ourselves and others of the fullness of life), and a recognition of and plea for God’s mercy.

Then Jesus pronounces what my study bible calls the “shocking reversal of common expectations." The Pharisee thought he was righteous and tried to justify himself (i.e. claim his relationship with God was good and right), but failed. The tax collector did not think of himself as righteous, depended on God’s mercy, and was pronounced justified (i.e. God pronounced the tax collector's relationship with him was good and right - not because of the tax collector's religious actions but because the tax collector knew he needed and asked for God's grace and mercy).

But Jesus doesn’t stop there. He concludes by saying everyone (not just the Pharisee) who exalts self will be humbled.

In other words, if we are self-righteous, comparing ourselves to others, having confidence in our religious actions while not looking at or admitting our own brokenness and failures, then we will in fact destroy relationship with God and neighbour, and we will be humbled.

However, if we humble ourselves, recognize our spiritual bankruptcy (meaning recognize that in and of ourselves we cannot make ourselves good and right with God), refuse to compare ourselves to those around us, and instead throw ourselves on God’s mercy because that’s all we have to hope upon, the gracious God will give us the gift of his righteousness and we will be justified (i.e. our relationship with him will be good and right).

PAUSE and REFLECT: We often want to stand before God and claim all the good we do - our religious actions and our good deeds. But Jesus makes it clear this is called self-righteousness, and it will kill our relationship with God and lead to contempt, thus killing our relationship with others.

This is not the stance that invites us into relationship (with anybody). Rather, Jesus teaches us to come before God humbly, recognizing our own sin and failures, and knowing our need for grace and mercy. It is God alone who makes our relationship with him good, right, and fruitful - we simply receive his mercy as a gift. This, in turn, causes us to show mercy to others around us. 

Unlike the relationship killer of self-righteousness, humility strengthens our relationship with God and others.

Today, how might you cast off your trust in your own actions and goodness, and instead simply accept the gift goodness and righteousness from God?

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Important note: some of this devotional came from a journal entry I wrote a few years ago, but there are various sentences that sound too smart to be my own own words. So I may have unintentionally quoted someone else in this email without giving them credit!