The bitter tears of regret (and what they teach us)

“Suddenly, Jesus' words flashed through Peter's mind: 'Before the rooster crows, you will deny three times that you even know me.' And he went away, weeping bitterly."

~ Matthew 26:75

We've all likely been there in one form or another. "What have I done? How could I be so stupid?" 

This feeling may have arisen over something most would find innocuous, like if we leave a conversation feeling we said something dumb or over-shared. Perhaps we've said words like these over something much more serious, like committing a serious crime, breaking a vow, or making a terrible financial decision that wrecks us.

Either way, we are all familiar with regret, and some of us are familiar with deep regret. Today, let's talk about the latter.

How much did regret motivate Peter to change?

In the story to which the above verse refers, Jesus tells his followers that the time is coming soon where they will all abandon him out of fear. Peter (a disciple and close friend of Jesus) rashly proclaims although Jesus' words may be true of the other disciples, he would never abandon Jesus, even if it cost him his life.

Knowing the truth of Peter's heart, Jesus replies, "Before the rooster crows you will deny me three times." Sadly, Jesus' words about Peter come true, and the above verse describes what happened immediately after the rooster crowed for the third time.

Peter went away weeping bitterly. In other words, anguishing regret and shame overwhelmed Peter's emotions to the point of bitter tears. And of course, once Jesus was crucified, Peter thought it was all over. "There's no coming back from my terrible decision and Jesus is dead, so I'm going back to the only thing I know - fishing." 

We likely know how the story ends. The resurrected Jesus reinstates Peter to ministry, and Peter becomes a tenacious, sold out follower of Jesus, even to the point of death (he was martyred in Rome by being crucified upside down).

Now I know that the resurrection was the biggest catalyst in Peter's continued faithfulness to Christ after his denial and reinstatement. However, I cannot help but think that the memory of his deep regret would also have been a motivation to not make the same mistake again.

Why? Because regret is a powerful and effective teacher.

A Chilling Dream

When I was a young pastor, only a year or two into ministry, I had a dream which I rarely talk about. In the dream I (a married man) kissed another woman. As soon as it happened a flood of regret and shame washed over me. Then the woman in the dream said, "We should not have done that. I have to tell your wife," and I knew that I had made the dumbest decision of life and wrecked everything in life, marriage, and ministry. 

Then I woke up.

I believe God sent me that dream. Cheating was not something on my mind, but I believe God gave me that dream as a way of saying, "Don't ever allow it to be on your mind, because now you know how you'll feel."

And I felt it. Even today I still remember exactly how I felt in that moment - the regret, shame, bitter tears, and sense of total loss - and from a dream nonetheless!

The three lessons of regret

Some of us beat ourselves up and experience regret over small things (I experience it every time I send an email with a spelling mistake in it!). In these instances we might find grace for ourselves (nobody's perfect, everyone misspells words once in a while).

However, deep regret is a terrible feeling. It often means we've done something drastic and harmful that has robbed us or another of the fullness of life, and often in a way that cannot be reversed. Restored, perhaps, but not reversed.

That said, regret can play a positive role in our life. Here are three lessons regret can teach us:

1. Regret teaches us to receive the gracious love and forgiveness of God.
No matter our action, nothing has changed about the way God feels about us. He loves us just as much now as he did before. That's mind blowing and hard to believe. But regret has a way of throwing us into the arms of a gracious God, to whom we can pour out our tears and our contriteness, and then be filled with his loving presence once again.

2. Regret teaches us to forgive ourselves.
After receiving God's forgiveness, perhaps the toughest thing to do is forgive ourselves. We made a dumb, dumb, dumb decision and often want to punish ourselves for it. But carrying regret is a huge burden. We have the invitation to cast that burden upon God, forgive ourselves, and while still carrying the memory of our actions and consequences, continue following Jesus to the best of our ability. 

3. Regret teaches us there is no greater joy than obeying the voice of Jesus.
Regret is the feeling we get when we royally screw things up (I am talking about deep regret over serious sin or bad decisions, not regret over a spelling mistake or nervously talking too much). When we know how bad it feels, we've experienced the opposite of the joy that comes from listening to and obeying Jesus, and it motivates us to not do that same thing again and instead pursue the abundant life offered by Jesus.

PAUSE and REFLECT: 

Perhaps you have felt deep, deep regret. Perhaps you have wept the same bitter tears as Peter.

I would ask you the above questions. Have you received God's grace and forgiveness? Have you forgiven yourself? Are you more motivated to stay close to Jesus and follow his way? If so, your regret has, in part, been a gift to you.

How might you embrace this gift today?