The power of not talking
“But Jesus still made no reply, and Pilate was amazed."
~ Mark 15:5
When was the last time you got in an argument with someone? Would you call yourself an argumentative person? Perhaps a better question is would others call you an argumentative person?
When I was growing up, I was always game for an argument. I would state my case, and restate, and restate, and restate some more. I wasn't very open to changing my point of view, but I was certainly open to expressing it. I still can be like this today.
When I speak of arguing, I'm referring to something different than a good faith discussion or debate where ideas are discussed and explored with open minds. I mean a disagreement where people simply want to say what they think, and don't really care what the other person thinks, except only to prove them wrong.
Those kind of arguments never give life to either participant.
I remember when it all changed for me. In my early 20s I was visiting with a family member who, like me, had strong views about certain topics, and we had often verbally jousted over these topics. This time, however, when they said something they knew I disagreed with (maybe looking to get into our usual habit of interactions), I simply said, "Ok," and continued on with other things.
The look on their face told me they were as surprised as I was that I didn't engage.
This was the first time I remember strongly disagreeing with someone but allowing them to hold their opinion without needing to share my opinion or try to change their mind, and it was a liberating moment.
What does the Bible say about not talking?
The Bible tells us there is power to not talking. For example, Ecclesiastes 3:7 says there is a time to speak, and a time to be silent. Proverbs 17:27-28 remind us that "the one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues."
There are times to talk, even argue, and there are times when not talking is the right response. I would suggest that the call for being quiet occurs much more frequently than we'd like to notice.
That said, it's hard enough to take this tack with an intellectual opinion. It's even more difficult when the topic of discussion is you, and you want to leap to your own defence with a solid argument. This is why Jesus' response to Pilate (or non-response) is incredible. When we read the story we see what amazed Pilate was not Jesus' rhetoric, but his silence in the face of accusation.
It reminds me of a biography I read about a travelling minister in the early 1900s. Often before he arrived in a town, newspapers would print untruthful articles about him and certain people would verbally attack his ministry. It caused him much grief, so he adopted the mantra "No attack, no defence." He would not attack another person's character or ministry, and he would not defend himself against other people's attacks. Difficult, yes, but leaving it in God's hands allowed him to find peace in his soul.
Save your breath, and your inner peace
As I've gotten older, I have enjoyed the "not speaking" response more and more. Don't get me wrong, I still like to discuss issues and talk with people who disagree with me on various topics, but I have learned (imperfectly) to discern between a good faith discussion and a bad faith discussion.
To be honest, I have no desire to engage with someone in a bad faith debate. When I know the other person has no interest in hearing other points of view or exploring other possibilities on a topic, I simply (for the most part) stay silent.
I say "for the most part" because there are times to speak up, even when the other person is locked into their opinion, especially around matters of justice and love. Yet even in these moments we would be wise to speak less than we might want.
I also avoid useless debates around religion. I don't feel like God needs me to defend him if someone chooses to believe differently. Don't misunderstand me. I'm happy to share my story of faith or point of view if given the opportunity, or engage in a good faith conversation, but that is different than engaging in a bad faith debate. In my experience, trying to argue someone into the kingdom of God does more harm than good. Posing questions, being curious, and seeking understanding is good. Trying to obliterate their worldview with a devastating argument not so much. That era of apologetics has passed.
PAUSE and REFLECT:
So back to the original question: are you an argumentative person? Are you more inclined to speak your mind rather than listen? Do you find yourself engaging in bad faith discussion where you know heading into it neither of you are open to changing your mind? Do you defend yourself at all cost, even at the slightest provocation?
I've been there, and it's exhausting. If I go there now, it's still exhausting.
What might it be like to begin 2024 with the commitment to enter less verbal jousts? I once heard someone say, "You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to," and those words were life-changing for me. Could you pull them close to your heart today?
Alternatively, what might it be like to adopt the phrase, "No attack, no defence," and determine to leave more in God's hands and pick up less in your own hands?
The beauty of not speaking is it offers us the invitation to listen. And the beauty of listening is it offers us the invitation to change our mind. Over the years I have changed my mind on various topics (including the topic of myself) simply because I shut up and listened to other perspectives.
Perhaps 2024 could be the year you have a similar experience.