Don't confuse love for love

“I give you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, so you also must love each other."

~ Jesus, in John 13:34

Who do you love? Can you list a few people in your life today of whom you’d say, “I love them”? Perhaps a friend, family member, or spouse comes to mind.

Now, you might say, “I love them,” but do you love them all the same way? Of course not. For example, we love a spouse entirely differently than we love a parent.

One of the shortcomings of the English language is we have one word for love, and that one word must describe our relationship with many people and many things (like friends, pets, and food). Rather than lump all these loves into one word, it would be helpful to dig into the nuances of love and its purpose in our life.

The Ultimate Expression of Love?

In popular culture today, especially as viewed on TV, in books, and in advertising, there is one ultimate expression of love: romantic love. Further, there is one ultimate expression of romantic love: sex.

If I am to enjoy love to its fullest, if I am to experience the deepest expression of who I am as a person, if I am to have the joy and contentment of being fully alive, I must find a romantic partner with who I can have moments of deep physical intimacy. At least, that’s what Love is Blind teaches me.

On the one hand, this thinking is partially right. We are all made for love. Love and acceptance are the deepest need we have, and we will chase it forever until we find it, or Love finds us.

On the other hand, though, problems occur when I think the love and acceptance I desperately need can only be found in romantic love. If I take that Love is Blindthinking into other relationships and other loves, I am on the road to bitter disappointment. Those relationships will all fall short in our eyes because we are not experiencing “true love,” or we will try to force “true love” into places or relationships where it’s not meant to be.

A Love Pyramid

Happily, the Greek culture had a better understanding of love and the role it has in our life. They had four separate words that all get translated as our English word “love”.

Picture a pyramid. At the top of the pyramid, we have eros love, which is the sexual and romantic love I just mentioned. Think passion and desire. This is usually what we mean when we talk about “being in love.”

In the middle of the pyramid, we have two other loves: philia and storgē. The former refers to the strong platonic (i.e. not romantic) bonds between friends and family members. The latter is the love and care that parents naturally have for children, and children for parents.

Finally, at the base of the pyramid, is agapē love, sometimes translated as “charity”. Unconditional and sacrificial, agape love is a love of choice – not feelings – and is characterized by humility and selflessly serving others. This is the love Jesus and New Testament authors speak of in the many commands to love one another.

Wait, shouldn’t that pyramid be reversed?

If you’ve been around church circles much, you’ve likely heard the agape, unconditional love as being the peak form of love. However, consider this:

As followers of Jesus we are called to love everyone with agape love – one another, neighbour, and enemy. This isn’t the love we offer because people deserve it; it’s the love we choose “without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy” (Thomas Merton). So yes, it’s the peak love in the sense there are no strings attached, but it’s also the basest of loves because we are called to love all human being like this.

However, the people we love as friends and family (philia and storge) is a much smaller number, and the recipient of romantic and sexual eros love is only one.

Reversing the order of loves is dangerous

We are called to love all with agape’s humility and service. For the close friendship of philia love, it must be built on the foundation of agape love to achieve it’s fullest, deepest expression.

For eros love to reach its peak, it needs to be built upon the foundation of agape and philia. In fact, eros without phila’s friendship and agape’s sacrificial service is empty and selfish.

In other words, in the love pyramid outlined above, we love from the bottom up, not the top down.

Do all loves need to be present in my life for me to feel fulfilled?

No!

Let me say that a different way: yes, we are made to love and be loved. Yes, we are made for relationship. But that does not mean that eros must be present for me to be fully alive. If we mistakenly believe that we may try to force eros upon a relationship that has fully and happily embraced agape and philia, cheapening those loves by saying they are not enough.

You already are completely agape-loved by God, and throwing yourself into that love is enough to be fully alive.

You may also have the joy of philia love. What a blessing! Did you know in medieval times there were friendship ceremonies where two friends platonically pledged themselves to each other, basically committing to stay friends and serve one another for life? The commitment was as serious as a marriage and there was the deep emotional intimacy that can happen with close friends, but there was no eros involved.

However, our culture says without sexual love we are missing something, and that is simply not true. Moreover, we can do great harm to ourselves and others when we begin to confuse one love for another.

PAUSE and REFLECT

Take a moment to consider your life. Which of these four loves are present?

First and most importantly, have you thrown yourself fully and unreservedly into the agape love God has for you? Do you feel a deep union with Jesus? If the answer is no, start here, for every other love-relationship in your life will lack what you need most without this primary relationship in place.

Second, are you returning God’s love to the world by choosing to love and serve those around you (all people) “without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy”?

Finally, are all the other love-relationships in your life (friends, family, partner) built on the foundation of agape love? In other words, are you loving from the bottom up?

With Jesus, you have what you need to experience deep joy and contentment, and all the other loves will fall into their rightful place in your life. Begin by growing in agapelove, then from that pool of people (everyone), perhaps there are a small number of individuals (friends) with whom you can have supportive relationships and emotional intimacy. Maybe there is an individual, and maybe there is not, but thankfully, eros is not required to be known and experience transformational love and acceptance.

Love well, from the bottom up.